Random | How I Lost The Battle Against Weight

"And you, Mr. [INSERT NAME]", he turned, eyes raging with the fury of an incensed heavyweight boxer. "This is how you decided to screw us up on the day we lost revenue. You love working in silos. So you went and worked in silos and killed the service".

He then started a poetic tirade that made him sound like the male version of an angry Rafeef Ziadah as the rest of us struggled to stifle temporary urinary incontinence.

A long afternoon was in the offing.

That 25-Square-meter cabin suddenly felt like a high-school headmaster’s office as deathly silence filled the air. One by one, the grilling went on like he was addressing a troop of adventurous juveniles who had sneaked out of school to watch an adult movie. These, usually, are the moments when you get home and you are tempted to look downstairs when the kids call you daddy.

Not too long ago, you had been the toast of an characteristically cordial meeting that had peers eat out of your hand. You were the Don Data in that MTN advert, drowning in a wavy sea of corporate euphoria. A six-week transformation has since turned you into a pantomime villain.

Six weeks ago, everybody wanted to be you. Today, you all wish you were Marcos, the lone survivor of that two-hour horror show; because a calculated retreat by way of an office day-off saved his brushes. So you die in your movie and Marcos returns the following day to do a post-mortem on your ego.

Your woes are not over as Murphy’s law does what Murphy’s law does on the day your gods join the opposition. For the next 27 days, your retirement begins at 11 PM when the world is sleeping and the only food you can find on your way home is Zalwango's roadside chips, fried in sizzling transformer oil (they say it causes a dozen NCDs – diabetes, hypertension, kidney failure, DVT, road rage et cetera).

Three weeks later, you are a massive 9 Kilos heavier. At 91, you suddenly look like your boss’ boss when you go for the same meeting. Neighbors think you got a bigger job. The househelp thinks you are richer. But you still won’t quit because for your case, like Teni sings in "Case", your papa no be Dangote.

Perspective | "I Wanted to Commit Suicide" – Ben Mwine

Our media has so mastered the art of crafting screaming headlines that sometimes one will see one and choose to ignore it because some of those headlines eventually turn out to be mere bombast.

Such a headline gets you thinking twice until you dig up the celebrated MC’s fortnight-old vlog chat with retired radio veteran, Crystal Newman, posted on her Youtube channel at the tail-end of last month.

The immediate thoughts that spring to mind are the five Ws and the accompanying solitary H that the world considers basic steps in information gathering – Who/What/When/ Where/Why/How.

Your mind gets piqued. You want to know what could have come over your favorite celebrity at the time when he wanted the world to see the last of him.

Somebody who’s always seemed to closer to God than your wretched self has no business toying with suicidal thoughts, you imagine.

A guy who’s held a title considered by many as the pinnacle of corporate employment for the last decade or so that you’ve known him. Manager something-something, now Corporate “General” at Kwese TV.

He, surely, must be having everything under control.

How wrong! In that hour+ long interview, Ben almost bares it all. He reveals things not many men will have the courage to publicly reveal because the world will either call them selfish or brand them cowards (or something worse).

From threats to publish his photo in a newspaper because one bank loan went bad (he still asked them to let him choose which photo they could use) to that much publicised church apology among others, he says it all.

His is a story you want to read and pore more into his journey. You suddenly realize how human we all are, at the end of the day. The epiphany probably reminds you of the time when your own thoughts almost pondered a similar trajectory.

That’s the life we live. Sometimes society sees a different picture from what we really are. Sometimes happiness is not all about our lofty ambitions. “It’s all about finding happiness at your level”, he coos, towards the end of the interview.

And that’s how a man whose dream car is a Bentley Bentayga chooses to profess puppy love to a 20-year old Toyota Ipsum. Like it’s the only car he’s ever known.

Health | Menstrual Hygiene: Every Woman’s Experience

To some, she’s Auntie Flo because she comes with an associated flow. To others, she’s simply Auntie Rose because they see red whenever she shows up. Rose draws its origins from Rossa, Italian for red. We’re talking menstrual periods, many a woman’s worst nightmare.

First-time and regular episodes alike continue to present varied experiences. From mild pain to excruciating cramps, they’ve experienced it all. To some, it’s first time freaky before it transitions into something they gradually get used to. To others, its a lifetime of recurrent anguish that only ebbs at the dawn of menopause, all of 25+ years later.

The onset of one’s menstrual period is often preceded by PMS (Pre-Menstrual Syndrome), a collective term that describes the physical and psychological distress that afflicts some, right before and during their menstrual periods.

Physical symptoms may include conditions like weight gain, bloating, dizziness and mild headaches among others. Emotional symptoms, on the other hand, include conditions such as loss of concentration, insomnia, mood swings and irregular sex patterns.

How would the average female manage their menstrual hygiene, one will ask? Whereas some get the hang of the burden, many continue to struggle. From over-the-counter medication to exercise, rest and diet, among others, countless remedies have been explored. 

I spoke to a close confidant, a daughter of Eve I’ll call Jessie.

Exercise: Moderate aerobic exercises like walking or light jogging help to reduce bloating and the pain of cramping. They improve one’s blood circulation and trigger the release of endorphins, sometimes called “feel-good hormones”, largely because of their ability to ease pain or stress.

Hot baths are a form of heat therapy. They work by relaxing the uterine muscles, increasing blood flow and easing or relieving menstrual pain.

Orgasms: Having an orgasm helps to release endorphins, and these come with several benefits as already highlighted.

Enough rest, particularly in foetal position, takes pressure off the abdominal muscles which, in turn, help to relieve cramps. In this position, the skeletal muscles around the abdomen relax, lessening abdominal tension in the process.

Diet: Healthy foods and vegetables such as carrots, fruits and foods rich in zinc – such as pumpkin seeds help to relax body muscles. They reduce the production of certain glands that, in the long run, help to ease the cramping. In some experiences, she says, foods such as ginger have been found to be as effective as ibuprofen in relieving menstrual cramps.

Over-the-counter medication: Often the last resort unless advised by one’s doctor, this should be resorted to when PMS conditions appear severe.

At the onset of PMS, it’s best to deal with the obvious symptoms. Menstrual flow is heaviest during the first days of one’s cycle. At this stage, one will need the right pads to avoid potential public embarrassment and the resulting stigma.

Brands like Afripads have menstrual kits that have varying absorption rates – Maxi (light) and Super Maxi (heavy). Had troublesome periods before? Tell your tale, and let the world learn a thing or two!

Perspective | On The Brand New Lt. General Muhoozi and Workplace Promotions

That the first son is now a three-star General is no longer news, having completed his official decoration three days ago, on February 19, 2019. Technically, it paves the way for the CDF transition from one Muhoozi to another.

Army things are complicated, they say. But not even those who understand them will are willing to discuss them. We are advised to leave issues of Generals to Generals, they say. Their secrets remained as tightly guarded as those of a doomsday cult.

But that’s not the point of our speculative chitchat, today.

It’s the factors that trigger these promotions. We grew up listening to tales about the most daring of soldier tales. Names like Pangarasio Onek. Oyite Ojok. Isaac Maliyamungu. Suicide Katungi. Tadeo Kanyankore. And others.

One would imagine these to have belonged to the topmost of army echelons at their peak. So why bow out at lower ranks than their reputations suggested? It could be strategy, loyalty, tactical nous or leadership guile.

Perhaps, it’s a combination of all factors. Most of the Generals we have today have interesting sides to their stories. General Saleh was said to have been so daring that at some point, one of his alternative noms de guerre was “Rufu” (death). By the time Paul Kagame repartriated himself back to +250, he was known in his circles as “Pilato” (from Pontious Pilate).

Others had friendlier names, like Eriya Mwine (Chefe Ali). And David Tinyefuza was called Mashurubu, not because his overgrown moustache made his face look like a shrub, but because mashurubu is swahili for moustache.

Their seemingly less-decorated peers remind me of the hustle I’ve seen once too often in the corporate world. There are those techies who quickly take the leap and move on. Three years into the profession, somebody has done all those courses that give people airs of corporate gods. ITIL, CISA, PMP, Et Cetera. They are now Senior Manager, Technology something-something. I was told a story of one guy who rose to the top without having ever run an end-to-end project.

Then there are techies who find comfort in being technical foot soldiers. The blue/black screen guys. Guys who won’t take the downward graduation (yeah, that oxymoron) from playing with code to working with Excel spreadsheets and powerpoint presentations.

10 years into the profession, someone still stares at a back screen with tiny dancing white characters on a black screen in the face of an emergency. A client, bandying themselves as the face of the business, rubbernecks behind in anticipation of a quick solution.

An hour of mini cardiac arrests and sweaty troubleshooting and scratching every pore of their skin ensues. When the storm is finally over, techie breathes a heavy sigh of relief and mutters something.

“Kalas! Please test again”, asks Mr. Resident Magician.

The erstwhile restive face-of-the-business now runs a few checks before letting slip a wide grin. “But where do you guys learn this stuff from – school?”, asks a silky tone. Some get laid for this.

Perspective | On MC Kats and The Art of Wearing a Songwriter's Hat

When Juliana Kanyomozi approached Silver Kyagulanyi for a song concept we now know as Nabikoowa, the latter did not have to look far. She had just severed ties with Amon Lukwago and was seeking to bury herself in an alternative pastime.

Silver Kyagulanyi simply looked at Juliana's then life trajectory and figured what would have been apt for her.

It was the same case for Chizzo, real names Richard Lubega, and Tickie Tah (Joseph Luwaga) in the aftermath of Bebe Cool's ephemeral breakup with Zuena Kirema in early 2009.

The two, respectively, wrote Nasalawo and Bamugambe, songs that started the now commonplace same-day album launch duels. They were part of Bebe Cool's Bamugambe album that was launched on the same day as Bobi Wine's Carolina in 2009.

In writing the two songs, the two songwriters simply looked at what had transpired in Bebe's life in the previous eight months.

In 2013, Desire Luzinda was in dire need of a musical comeback when she approached Mowzey Radio for an idea. The result was Ekitone, a song that earned her no less than 100 performances the following year.

It was no surprise, therefore, that David Lutalo could think of "Love Again" when Fille Mutoni sought his services for a new song.

It has since deeply stung his estranged boyfriend, MC Kats, that he had to cut short her performances the two times she's performed it, the latest being at Vegas Chillout, the Kawempe-based hangout.

In the aftermath of MC Kats' mental histrionics, Fille is said to have been so incensed that her next sing will be about the size (or effectiveness) of Kats' manhood.

If there's anybody MC Kats ought to blame, it would have to be the creative ingenuity of David Lutalo.