Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Feature | Nyege Nyege

“The name itself means: Sex!! Sex!!”, roared Father Simon Lokodo, the Honorable Minister of Ethics and Integrity as he finally emerged from a five-month public coma.

The most pious of Jjajja’s ministers, if his title is anything to go by, was referring to the implied Swahili translation of Nyege Nyege, the MTN-sponsored four-day Music festival that has just about every owner of a decent accommodation facility in Jinja town smiling to the bank.

He wants the event cancelled because whereas majority of its revelers are predominantly heterosexual, minority groups will conspire to turn it into a successful curtain raiser for an impending Armageddon. To this effect, he has alerted every organ he deems important to be on standby. IGP, IGG, UPF, Ministry of Internal Affairs, JATT, ISO, Counter-terrorism Unit.

Going by his logic, I guess he may have to embark on a countrywide cleansing tour. He’ll go to Western Uganda and learn new words that include ripe bananas being called Eminekye. Then he will proceed to Budadiri with Nkore lenses and arrest every muzukkulu who addresses him as Owelugosi Simon Lokodo because God might revoke his heaven visa.

But he’ll have no idea that he risks his Gishu hosts fleeing his company while screaming “Rapist!!” when he eventually tells them he wants “Eminekye”.

Perspective | 106.1 FM, Nxt Radio

So, a new radio station set up shop in town while we were away. Nxt Radio, the latest addition to the city’s airwaves, recently acquired what was formerly known as Jazz FM at 106.1 FM.

Such has been the hype surrounding its inauguration that I eventually succumbed to the bandwagon, choosing to give them a listen.

My maiden experience is on their breakfast show where some chic runs the show alongside Marcus Kwikiriza, the veteran radio journeyman who’s now cut short his radio retirement to refill his piggy bank.

A song plays, featuring Nicki Minaj and other chaps. Random chic praises the rap in the song, but cannot recall Nicki’s goddam name. She promises to google and return from the break with every detail, including but not limited to the name of her favorite ex.

Day Two: 24 hours later, chic has swiftly moved on. So she won’t give us the details. Not even the song title.

The Cast: Same duo, discussing random things. Punctuated with sporadic giggles, a snippet of the conversation goes thus;

"So, Richard Quest is in Nairobi."

"Ah, you mean the host of Request-something-show?"

"(Interjecting): Quest means business[...]"

"Yes, yes. That one."

"He’s been to several places including River something […]."

"Oh, Karuma river you mean?"

"(Interjecting) No, not Karuma. Another one. I'll check the name."

When do these people research? These things of guessing should be left to us, armchair social media commentators. "Us", we even have the freedom of writing things like "Massachusetts" and surrounding them with cool words we can’t pronounce in real life (folks like Raymond Mukama get to pronounce these words thrice a week).

Oh, and if you, like me, have neither the time to watch nor the means to afford TV, you won’t feel the rigors of senescence in Karitas’ voice, now doing an evening show whose name I am yet to grasp. She still sounds as innocent as she did all those years ago, long before she dreamed of becoming a Nnalongo.

Random Chic is not her name. She calls herself Qitui. Florence Makyeme Kitui. Believed to come with lots of alternative experience in media and marketing and other things. Formerly of Capital FM, but still better than the string of kitchen sinks that, for 5+ years, Sanyu FM has been throwing at their studios in their quest to replace Melanie.