Travel | Tubing the Nile: When Adventure Meets Adrenaline

Emma is a sturdy 5' 5" tall sculler who worships his blue Kayak with the commitment of a devout Jehovah's witness.

We see this commitment when he makes a swift – and somewhat ritualistic ocean dive – right at the edge of the Nile when we eventually choose to dare the world's longest river.

Asked if this is his way of making peace with the gods in exchange for a safe sail, a wry smile is all we get for a response as Emma struts his stuff.

He isn't letting any cats out of his bag, so we let him do his thing.

We are debutants on this side of the world. So we choose to play it safe by opting for flatwater tubing, the recreational equivalent of shallow water swimming.

Our entry point is on the right side of the rocky shoreline, a couple of kilometers off Kimaka Road. We stroll past a herd of unattended cattle barely 10 meters away.

Shortly after noon, the gang and I are ready for the aquatic experience of our lifetime.

By this time, we've had our bodies fastened to the string of towable tubes, each tube connected to the next, and all the five of us at the mercy of Emma's pre-eminent Kayak. 

Across the river surface, the Nile looks so deceptively still that one can hardly notice the swift speed with which it makes its way to the Mediterranean.

Meters away, a mass of floating shrubland appears stagnant while, a little farther, a string of what looks like plastic litter bears the look of abandoned luggage. Little do we know the surprises that await us.

Five minutes later, we are right in the middle of the Nile, sailing along its course and delighting in its breathtaking vibe.

The erstwhile still shrub swiftly breezes past us, with the floating plastic giving it relentless chase. We suddenly realize how fast we have been sailing.

I am not about to die with my maalo, so I ask Emma what this sorry sight of plastic bottles is doing in our beloved river.

"These are fish baits," he says in a Lusoga-Luganda dialect, with an occasional smattering of English. "Fishermen use these to catch fish at night."

In vain, we peek through the surface, hoping for any signs of active marine life. Emma says the fish come to the surface at night.

The fish mainly feed at night. Fishermen are well aware of this, so they pounce at the right time.

About 30 minutes later, the closest sign of activity appears by way of a lazy vortex struggling to rise above the Nile's surface.

We soon learn that these are the vestige of what was once known as Bujagali falls. The new dam swiftly submerged the waterfalls, sparking a premature end to the once beautiful marvel, now spoken of like some prehistoric antiquity.

We sail a little more to the sight of a smooth, stone cave on the riverbank. Emma says this was Jjaja Bujagali's haven, where he often retired for his siesta.

"Oyo omusajja yajiranga ku kaliba nga mulaba," swears an animated Emma, his reticent face letting off a tone of authority, like someone confident about what they are saying.

He is talking about Donozio Namunkanga Mukembo Zirabamuzale – also known as  Budhagali Nabamba – the Bujagali spiritualist who died in 2019.

We look on in amusement and shock, careful not to ask silly questions lest our host suddenly decides he's had enough of our company.

"Time for a snack now," he says, as we gradually lose sight of Budhagali's rugged haven.

Our marine snack is a fruit salad of watermelon and pineapple that Emma slices with the sheer expertise of a seasoned five-star hotel prep cook.

Fruit epicarps – the remainder of our serving – are to be dumped into the water, he says, for these comprise the fish diet.

We duly oblige, very much to the bewilderment of the kids who had held onto them because they did not want to be called "litterbags"!

After three hours of wafting through the Nile's ambiance and being buoyed by its waters, our exciting expedition draws to its close.

Once more, we sail closer to the river bank, to the sight of derelict, green iron sheet-roofed cottages said to belong to businessman Sudhir Ruparelia.

Our docking area is not as uninviting as the scene ahead of us, and the experience leaves us with enough priceless memories to last a lifetime.

Music | 1986 – 2020: Ugandan Music Through the Years (4/4)

On the international scene, the external influence of our industry was most our award-winning exports in George Okudi (KORA Award, 2003), Maurice Kirya (RFI Discovery award, 2010), Joel Ssebunjo (Visa Pour la Creation, 2010) and Eddy Kenzo (BET, 2015), Bebe Cool (AFRIMA), Irene Namatovu (AFRIMA, 2018) and Sandra Nankoma (AFRIMA, 2018) among others.

Perhaps one could say a decade is too long to be devoid of sad news, and 2010-2019 was no exception. It was a decade that, once again, saw the industry lose players, significant or otherwise. In 2013, Martin Angume lost the battle to kidney, liver and lung complications, while Akay (2015) and Mowzey Radio (2018) succumbed to injuries sustained in nasty, separate bar brawls, while a controversial motorbike accident claimed little-known Ziggy Wine’s life in 2019.

The close of the 2010s decade would see yet another new crop of artistes. Sheebah Karungi hit her peak, often leaving spellbound crowds melting in awe of what looked like a sudden rise to musical stardom. And the man responsible for her meteoric rise? Jeff Kiwa, the seasoned music manager who had also handled Jose Chameleone, Akay and the Goodlyfe duo of Radio and Weasel.

By the time the sun set on the 2010s decade, the industry had evolved into a diverse ecosystem that also had lots of new entrants and new styles. In 2017, Wycliffe Tugume, the artiste better known as Ykee Benda traded his Chemical Engineering degree for a music career. Today, we live in the era of Fik Fameica, Rickman, Vinka, Sheebah Karungi, Nina Roz, Spice Diana, A Pass, Fresh Kid and a host of hundreds of musicians.

Several industry generations since the first of the sweeping changes happened to a post-war entertainment industry, the conveyor belt of Ugandan music remains on an eternally revolving journey, withering storm after another; and churning out new faces, methods and industry dynamics.

Music | 1986 – 2020: Ugandan Music Through the Years (3/4)

The dusk of 1999 had had Juliana Kanyomozi and Iryn Namubiru team up to form the pioneer millennial Ugandan girl group that they called I-jay, gliding under the parental tutelage of Hope Mukasa and Steve Jean’s Fenon Records. Like the rest of the groups that sprang after them, J-Jay could not run for long, eventually trading the partnership for solo careers.

Juliana and Iryn were only the picks of the Fr. Damian Grimes generation of Namasagali products and their cronies who would go on to change the face of the entertainment industry. The other notable alumni of this entertainment colossus of yesteryear include Benon Mugumbya, Peter Miles, Ronnie Mulindwa, Vampino (Elvis Kirya).

In 2004, The Obsessions, a female-dominated group that initially started out as dancers, then took the industry by storm, reveling in a unique style of performances that combined music and dance. Their breakthrough was spurred by Nod Your Head, a hit single that had youthful crowds eating out of their palms.

In their ensemble was Ronnie Mulindwa, Michael Kasaija, Natasha Sinayobe, Cleopatra Koheirwe, Sharon O, Brenda Nambi, Jackie Tumusiime and Hellen Lukoma. They would later be joined by a host of others such as Sheba Karungi, Daisy Muber, and Fatuma Gulam.

Closely following their footsteps were the Dream Girls, another girl-group that had been started in 2003 and would go on to win a Pearl of Africa Music (PAM) Award the following year.

They had songs such as Genda Okole, Nsaanuka, Weekend and Jiggy; the most prominent members of which were Leila Kayondo, Renah Nalumansi and Anita Tushabe. The sudden departure of Leila and Renah in 2007 spelled the group’s demise.

In 2004, the Coca Cola Popstar winning trio of Jackie Chandiru, Cinderella Sanyu (Cindy) and Lillian Mbabazi were brought together to form Blu*3; yet another girl group that enjoyed initial success until Cindy’s acrimonious departure in 2008.

The demise might have taken longer, but the countdown had started. Blue*3 was known for the pop songs: Hitaji, Burn, Frisky, Tomalaako (featuring Ragga Dee), Nsanyuka Naawe, Ndibeera Nawe, Nkoye and the blockbuster collabo with Goodlyfe: “Where You are”.

Four years later, another girl group had sprung up. At their ephemeral peak, Viva Starts once had, in its ranks, Jacky “Swing Swaga” Katushabe, Sarah “America” Nangendo, Sauda “Toto” Nakato, Racheal Nakasaga and Sara “China” Baku. With a couple of hits to their name, Chilli Girls had a promising start to their career until Universal Entertainment, the company that had signed them, closed shop in 2011.

Universal Entertainment had been businessman Rao Mohan’s brainchild. His sudden loss of interest in music and the related challenges he faced meant that the string of girl groups he had taken on could not carry on. The girl-group under his management was called “The Cyclones” and had, in their ranks, singers Esther Akankwasa, Lisa Namubiru and Pie B (Prossy Bulyaba).

More and more girl groups would continue to rise and fall in similar fashion, the most prominent of which included former Obsessions deserters HB Toxic (Hellen Lukoma and Brenda Nambi), Wafagio (who first rebranded to Krystal Babes before they folded).

While all this happened, something else had been cooking. A couple of years before the curtain came down on the 90s, two ambitious upstarts had endured two separate 12-hour bus trips to the cold streets of Nairobi as they sought for career breakthroughs.

Moses Katumba Ssali – or Bebe Banton – as he preferred to be called then, was one of them. As anyone would probably have guessed, Bebe had been inspired by the Jamaican dancehall artiste Buju Banton.

It was in Nairobi that he would meet Joseph Mayanja, going on to form a situational friendship that would them return as Bebe Cool and Jose Chameleone respectively. Bebe Cool went on to team up with Bobi Wine to form Firebase Crew while Jose Chameleone started Leone Island, riding the crest of a successful Bageya album in 2000 to build a fanbase.

For a long time, the trio ruled the industry in a trident of dominance that saw them constantly referred to as the “Big Three.” until the emergence of Chameleone’s former protegees in Radio and Weasel, in 2008.

The Big Three would go on inspire a whole generation of singers, dabbling in varied music styles that spanned across and beyond the continent; the most predominant of which came to be called Kidandali, typified by a signature danceable beat and oft-shallow lyrical content. Perhaps the local equivalent of bubble-gum music. The rest of the styles were usually fusions of existing styles – Kwaito, Soukous, ragga, reggae, zouk and flashes of Rumba.

Shades of this influence remain apparent, to this day. It’s the reason the industry still has genres like dancehall being done in a mishmash of lingua, both local and adulterated mimicry of Jamaican patois. It’s the reason we’ve had lyrics like “Bolobi ndenge nini bana Congo” (Chameleone, in Beyi Kali) or “Natomoni miso na ngai na likolo namoni te” (David Lutalo, in Ujuwe).

It’s the reason we have patois ambassadors like Peter Miles (Peter Kanyike), Beenie Gunter (Crescent  Baguma), Bebe Cool, Ziza Bafana (Moses Kasendwa), Raba Daba (Faisal Seguya) and Weasel (Douglas Seguya).

Bobi Wine, Bebe Cool and Jose Chameleone acquired cult status, overshadowing established industry veterans while mentoring budding artistes in the process.

Immediate mentees of the time included artistes like Master Parrot (David Sifayo), Toolman (Fredrick Kibalama), Buchaman (Mark Bugembe), Kid Fox (Stephen Kiggundu), Sweet Kid (Moses Sserwadda), Black Boy, Red Banton (Tony Lubega), Weatherman (RIP), and a few others.

Each of the three had a unique impact on the industry. Jose Chameleone literally forced the industry to recognize the importance of lyrical finesse and depth; what with his regular rhyming song-theming that had his music make inroads in the industry.

His finesse remains apparent in more than a dozen albums to his name so far: Bageya (2000), Mama Mia (2001), Njo Karibu and The Golden Voice (2003), Mambo Bado (2004), Kipepeo (2005), Shida za Dunia (2006), Katupakase (2007), Bayuda (2009), Vumilia (2010), Valu Valu (2012), Badilisha (2013), Tubonge (2014), Wale wale (2015), Sili Mujjawo (2016), Sweet Banana (2017) and Champion (2018).

After a second-consecutive PAM Awards Artiste of the Year award (that came with five million prize money), he was said to have remarked that he now saw the prize money was beginning to look like an annual paycheque.

Bebe Cool fostered the rise to prominence of songwriters at a time when everybody thought an artiste was only worth their salt if they wrote their music. Through him, we got to know people like Chizzo, Black Skin, St. Andrew, Nince Henry and scores of others.

His biggest influence in this respect, so far, remains “Love You Every day”, the 2015 Magnus Opus that had featured musical input of no less than four songwriters. He gave upcoming producers like Rinex and Eno Beats the platform they needed to rise to prominence.

This was the generation that gave birth to Showbiz in Uganda. While Bebe Cool became the mind games expert, Bobi played the academic and edutainment card.

They set the foundation for the latest crop of musicians – musicians who commanded some respect in society. Artistes who had gone to school and chosen music. Bobi Wine’s Music Dance and Drama (MDD) played a role in this. He was the guy who inspired every graduate to follow their passion.

At 26, he’d already acquired some valuable property in Magere. For a while, the media couldn’t have enough of it while Bebe Cool, now a sworn rival, continued to be taunted for not owning property worth his stature. Showbiz had fully taken root in the entertainment industry.

Erstwhile low on Showbiz, the world soon came to know that Jose Chameleone had accumulated some wealth of his own. Every single acquisition an artiste owned became their status symbol. Artistes acquired cars and held veiled pressers to showcase their might. The latter part of the 2000s would see the industry’s influence transcend entertainment and into other spheres.

Artistes joined politics, directly or otherwise, starting with the contingent of Artistes who were hired by the ruling party of the time to drum up support in the run to the 2016 General elections; in a campaign-drive code-named: “Tubonga Nawe”.

This would be the springboard for Bobi Wine, barely 12 months later, as the 35-year-old trounced a hoard of competitors – both state and otherwise – to claim the Kyadondo East Parliamentary seat in 2017.

He joined fellow artistes Judith Babirye (Buikwe, Woman) and Kato Lubwama (Rubaga South). Today, the industry sees more artistes expressing political interests in the respective home areas; artistes that include, among others, Jose Chameleone (Mayorship, Kampala City), Geoffrey Lutaaya (Kakuto), Khalifa Aganaga (Rubaga South), Dr. Hilderman (Mawokota), Ronald Mayinja (Gomba East) and Mathias Walukagga (Masaka Municipality). 

Music | 1986 – 2020: Ugandan Music Through the Years (2/4)

The 90s was the era that blessed us with nouveau pop talents such as Brenda Z'obbo, Bob Bashabe, Steve Jean, Roger Mugisha, Peter Sematimba, Simon Base Kalema, Lillian Butere, Jenkins Mukasa, Terry Divos, Jimmy Bageire, Rasta Rob and Shanks Vivi Dee. This crop of artistes epitomized the influence of American culture that later led to the proliferation of rap, pop and ragga music genres in the industry.

On a sad note, this was the decade in which Herman Basudde, the man whose most famous songs were the classics Bus Dunia and Mukyala Mugerwa, died in a grisly road accident in circumstances similar to the referenced allegory in his song: Bus Dunia.

The tail-end of the 90s would see Ragga Dee make an attempt at reinvention, experimenting with different genres such as reggae, ragga, soukous, and kwaito. A generation of industry entrants on the scene was in the offing. It was only a matter of time before the advent of new genres and new faces hit the scene.

This was the decade that saw the birth of what we now know as band music. Responsible for nurturing artistes such as Mesach Semakula, Geoffrey Lutaaya, Ronald Mayinja, Roy Kapale, Harriet Kisaakye, Catherine Kusasira, Irene Namatovu, Stecia Mayanja, and Haruna Mubiru, the formation of Eagles Production effectively gave birth to a new genre of music toward the turn of the century. Other notable artistes in this category included Mariam Ndagire, Mariam Mulinde, Betty Mpologoma, and Queen Florence among others.

But before all this could unfold, a somber start to the millennial decade had the music industry lose no less than six artistes in quick succession: Carol Nakimera, Paul Katende (Ebonies), Sarah Birungi, Cissy Nakku, and Afrigo Band’s Amigo Wawawa. Elly Wamala (2004) and Paul Kafeero (2007).

In the same period, the Chaka Demus/Pliers influence on the local industry simply refused to wane. This was the era of duets, collabos and performing duos; an era that saw General Mega Dee (Amos Kigenyi) and Menton Kronno (Vincent Kibondwe) shine bright in a partnership that would bless us with a collection of music albums such as Nze Ndeka (1999), Omukwano gwo (2000), Beera Nange (2001), Ekiri mu bbeere (2002) and Wasiwasi (2003).

The 2000s would not be all gloom as the industry had more-than-welcome additions. This was the decade of musical groups, boys and girls alike. Strutting their stuff at DV8, Klear Kut, a hip-hop outfit began to rise in prominence; their style mainly resonating with the urban youths of the time. In their ranks, the group composition had rappers Navio (Daniel Lubwama Kigozi), Papito (Habib Abdul Hussein), The Myth (Tom Mayanja), Langman (Abba Lang) and JB (Jonathan Leslie aka J-baller).

Mind, Body & Soul, their first album, was a big success and would go on to top Hip-Hop chats in East Africa. This was the album that spawned songs like All I Wanna Know (featuring Juliana Kanyomozi) and Superstar (featuring Bebe Cool).

In 2000, Madoxx (David Amon Ssemanda Sematimba), an artiste who had lived in Gothenburg for close to 10 years finally released his first full album out. Tukolagane was a blockbuster reggae collection that featured timeless reggae ballads that included, among others: “Namagembe", "Tukolagane", "Omukwano Gwafe" and "Eddembe" among others.

He would soon follow this up with a second album – Abato – in 2006 and was right on course to dominate the music industry for long until a nasty divorce preceded his deportation, leaving him in an abyss of protracted despair and a forced music hiatus.

Music | 1986 – 2020: Ugandan Music Through the Years (1/4)

1986 is a year that many a Ugandan remembers for varied reasons – politics, entertainment, sports or otherwise. In football, Diego Maradona’s crafty handball eclipsed the month-long aesthetic advent of the Mexican wave to hand the sport’s most coveted prize to Argentina.

In East Africa, a third-world country had a brand-new decorated guerilla at its helm in Yoweri Museveni; a man who the world initially saw as the mascot of new leadership on the continent.

A year that began in political turmoil ended with one of the greatest music albums Ugandans will see in a long time: a Christmas-themed music album that had classic songs such as Merry Christmas, Zuukuka, Tumusinze, Ssekukkulu, Gloria, Anindiridde and Katujaguze. Behind the creative genius was a certain Philly Bongoley Lutaaya.

Ever the one to stand out, he’d go on to adopt a unique spelling for his name, preferring a shorter version of his Ngonge clan name (Lutaaya) with a single “a”, while the extra “y” to Bongole made his new name sound similar to Tabu Ley; one of his musical influences.

Lutaya followed up his massive success with another a 1987 album – Born in Africa; an album that had a 29-year old Nigerian-born Swedish musician – Dr. Alban (Alban Uzoma Nwapa) – eating out of his palm and producing a song of his own by the same.

Lutaaya’s Born in Africa album was co-produced by Sten Sandahl, the then director of the Swedish National Concert Institute; a music-supporting state foundation that ran the record label Caprice Records.

On the album were the classics: Nkooye Okwegomba, The Voices Cry Out, Tulo Tulo, Naalikwagadde, Philly Empisazo, Entebbe Wala – all household songs – and the little-known En Festi Rinkeby (Swedish for a Partyin Rinkeby).

It was an album that would have latter-day renowned musicians take turns to record renditions of different songs on the same: Jose Chameleone, Juliana Kanyomozi, Bebe Cool, Bobi Wine, Nubian Lee, and Iryn Namubiru among others. Initially received with skepticism, Lutaaya’s bold disclosure of his HIV status would precede his demise on December 15, 1989.

1988 saw the continued eminence of seasoned musicians in Dan Mugula salongo, Christopher Ssebaduka, Freda Sonko, Livingstone Kasozi, Fred Masagazi, Peter Baligidde, Abuman Mukungu, Gerald Mukasa, Sauda Nakakaawa, Matia Luyima, Herman Basudde, Frank Mbalire, and Livingstone Kasozi.

With a career that started in 1968, Dan Mugula’s best songs span half a century, the most recent of which was Abagagga Bantgumye (2017). His influence on the industry would go on to inspire generations that joined the industry decades later, with Mesach Ssemakula recording a remix of Ntongo, a classic song that Mugula originally recorded in 1970.

1989 was the year of Afrigo Band. This was the year in which they released what would turn out to be one of the greatest music albums; the 1989 Volume 8 album (Afrigo Batuuse).

On it was Afrigo Batuuse, a signature song whose creative genius was a certain Deo Mukungu, himself mentored by a trumpet-loving father who initially did not want his son to face the same challenges that had dogged his career. In the end, passion prevailed overprotection, and the result was the music legend whose workmanship spawned the release of one of the greatest music albums ever to grace our ears.

Afrigo Batuuse was the album that had big hits such as Speed Controlle, Mundeke, Twali Twagalana, Emmere Esiridde, and Saawa Yakusanyuka. Today, Moses Matovu remains one of the few last men standing from a dream music lineup that featured a collection of legends in Godfrey Mwambala, Tony Sengo, Charles Sekyanzi, Kabuye Ssemboga, Fred Kigozi, Albert Atibu (Amigo Wawawa) and Paul Sserumaga.

The dawn of the 1990s heralded the arrival of new entrants onto the music scene. An emerging Paul Kafeero began to stamp his authority in Kadongo Kamu, his Kulabako Guitar Singers going on to tussle it out with established veterans such as Fred Ssebatta and his Matendo band.

The height of their battle for supremacy would later see them adopt stage names that each camp considered fancy; with Kafeero adding “Prince” to his name after Fred Sesebatta had adopted Lord Fred Ssebatta as his official stage name.

This was the decade that served us with yet another immense music talent in Umar Katumba and his band Emmitoes, his signature baritone shining bright in songs like "Twalina Omukwano," "Drums of Africa" and "Fa Kukyolina.

Katumba would go on to work with other budding and established talents of the day like Carol Nakimera, an accomplished singer and composer in her own right whose 1985 hit song “Omusujja” remains the signature theme music for popular local FM station Radio Two (Akaboozi) FM’s morning sports program: Omusujja Gwemizanyo (“sports fever”).

After a protracted deliberation, Nakimera eventually produced an album whose copyrights she unknowingly sold to unscrupulous producers for peanuts. The bout of the resulting frustration eventually saw her quit music for poultry farming.

Joining Carol Nakimera in the jostle for a pie of the entertainment fanbase was a string of young musicians in Kezia Nambi, Fred Maiso, Kads Band, Rasta Rob, and Menton Summer among others. This was the decade that saw a fresh-faced Ragga Dee (Daniel Kazibwe Kyeyune) announce his arrival as the new kid on the block, having started out in the late 80s.

He later started a band outfit that he called Da Hommies, together with Jenkins Mukasa and MC Molar Messe. The trio were later joined by Iryn Namubiru in 1995. Ragga Dee did not enjoy the fruits of his sweat until his 1994 ground-breaking hit, Bamusakata, hit the airwaves. His five years of toil were beginning to pay off.

Deserved honorable mention must be made; of yet another timeless artiste in Elly Wamala, aptly Nicknamed “Evergreen” for his music and style never faded. He holds the record for the first Kadongo Kamu song ever recorded on vinyl – the ageless Nabutono – recorded in the 1950s.

A collection of his music was subsequently redone by a string of millennial musicians that included, among others, Viola (1974); redone by musicians Geosteady (Geoffrey Kigozi) and Dennis Bitone. Originally recorded in 1998, Ebinyumu Ebyaffe was later redone by rapper Don MC (Donald Rugambwa Rutaisire).

Wamala’s other notable works included Welcome Pope Paul (1969) and Akaana Ka Kawalya (1974); the minuscule pick from the 60+ songs that he recorded over a 50-year career.

Travel | From Agra, With Love: A Peek Into The Taj Mahal

The Northern Indian city of Agra is not one you’ll hear much about until the day you choose to visit its biggest attraction – a 17th century marble mausoleum that continues to attract millions of tourists every year.

Completed in 1653 on a 42-acre expanse, the monument sits at the South bank of the Yamuna river; a name that initially piques my curiosity when we first hit the tarmac on the Yamuna Expressway.

Our day begins with a string of introductions and pleasantries, first with Mohammed Farouk – our chauffeur for the day – and later to a couple of interesting personalities. Farouk has the look of a fresh-faced 16-year old adolescent and speaks halting English with the occasional wry smile. "You see that on the side? Big, big lake. Very nice place." He says he’s married with one kid (and none on the side).

Our road trip is a long and arduous one. We knew this beforehand; so we are not complaining. We are soon joined by someone to take us around. "Hello. I am Prashant", he screams in a high-pitched voice that makes you want to stand three meters away when he starts speaking.

"And I’ll be your guide for the day."

Prashant has a firm handshake and speaks with the street-smart confidence of a snake oil salesman. He begins to give us the history of the place and he won’t stop until he’s interrupted by the odd question.

I have read chunks of history about the medieval Mughal Emperor – Shah Jahan – and his obsession with Mumtaz Mahal, a Persian princess whom he eventually married as his third wife.

So I know what Prashant is on about.

But we are technically his guests, so we don’t want to say something that will make him abandon us in the milieu of prying strangers who imagine we are carrying wads of foreign currency. Plus, there could be some tiny bits of trivia that the guy who wrote that Wikipedia page left out. We keep calm and try to fake the kind of attention curious kids pay when listening to a bedtime story.

It’s not long before the briefing changes to the DOs and DON’Ts; a prerequisite checklist of sorts that we are supposed to follow. No foodstuffs are allowed inside the mausoleum, no cameras or loud, unbridled excitement.

Shoes will only be allowed if covered with extra gear, so you part with a few rupees for the same. "Don’t try to buy stuff off the streets. Most of it is fake", he says. "Hold onto your wallet like it’s the only kidney you got left. Don’t smile to strangers. There's lots of scheming pick-pockets, here."

A couple of hours since we first buckled up, we finally arrive at the Western gate of one of the seven wonders of the world (there are four gates, each with a unique historical attachment).

The place is a beehive of activity as everything with an ounce of life looks animated. Cows foraging for fodder, monkeys playing with dead oranges, elderly women selling shiny little things (we heeded to Prashant’s advice), masquerading paparazzi scheming for the next deal and teenage girls selling freshly-peeled cucumber.

We stop at the first of the many check points as the briefing goes on (he does sound like he’s not going to stop anytime soon). We are soon ushered into the well-kempt lawns and neat forecourts to an imposing aura. The place is teeming with hordes of tourists, both local and foreign. Some are taking selfies. Many continue to marvel at the magnificence of a place regarded as the finest example of Mogul architecture.

It’s compelling history, workmanship and trivia will simply leave you mesmerized. It didn’t fluke its way onto the world’s seven wonders list – it earned it through the ingenuity and skillset of different architects; the sweat, blood of an estimated 20,000 masons and laborers from places as far-flung as Turkey, Iran and Central India.

After 22 years of sleepless travail, Emperor Shah Jahan is said to have been so impressed and proud of his milestone that he did not wish his blueprint replicated anywhere. So he had his minions cut off the hands of the lead architects and artisans so his love monument would remain the only one of its kind.

World over, association of the mausoleum with love remains contested given the history and events in the run-up to its completion. Circumstances under which the 20,000 laborers ended up at the palace are unknown (they are said to have been slaves), while their eventual fate remains shrouded in mystery.

Women’s rights activists doubt the kind of love that saw Mumtaz Mahal go through 14 pregnancies in 19 years, despite only being the pick of the emperor’s harem. It is, perhaps, the reason some continue to advance the school of thought that says Emperor Shah Jahan built the mausoleum out of guilt following an agonizing bout of postpartum hemorrhage that claimed Princess Mumtaz’s life at the tender age of 34.

In the end, it’s such controversies and mysteries that fan the never-ending desire by tourism aficionados to check out the 300-year-old architectural marvel. Presenting: The Taj Mahal, the world’s greatest love monument.

Random | How I Lost The Battle Against Weight

"And you, Mr. [INSERT NAME]", he turned, eyes raging with the fury of an incensed heavyweight boxer. "This is how you decided to screw us up on the day we lost revenue. You love working in silos. So you went and worked in silos and killed the service".

He then started a poetic tirade that made him sound like the male version of an angry Rafeef Ziadah as the rest of us struggled to stifle temporary urinary incontinence.

A long afternoon was in the offing.

That 25-Square-meter cabin suddenly felt like a high-school headmaster’s office as deathly silence filled the air. One by one, the grilling went on like he was addressing a troop of adventurous juveniles who had sneaked out of school to watch an adult movie. These, usually, are the moments when you get home and you are tempted to look downstairs when the kids call you daddy.

Not too long ago, you had been the toast of an characteristically cordial meeting that had peers eat out of your hand. You were the Don Data in that MTN advert, drowning in a wavy sea of corporate euphoria. A six-week transformation has since turned you into a pantomime villain.

Six weeks ago, everybody wanted to be you. Today, you all wish you were Marcos, the lone survivor of that two-hour horror show; because a calculated retreat by way of an office day-off saved his brushes. So you die in your movie and Marcos returns the following day to do a post-mortem on your ego.

Your woes are not over as Murphy’s law does what Murphy’s law does on the day your gods join the opposition. For the next 27 days, your retirement begins at 11 PM when the world is sleeping and the only food you can find on your way home is Zalwango's roadside chips, fried in sizzling transformer oil (they say it causes a dozen NCDs – diabetes, hypertension, kidney failure, DVT, road rage et cetera).

Three weeks later, you are a massive 9 Kilos heavier. At 91, you suddenly look like your boss’ boss when you go for the same meeting. Neighbors think you got a bigger job. The househelp thinks you are richer. But you still won’t quit because for your case, like Teni sings in "Case", your papa no be Dangote.

Perspective | "I Wanted to Commit Suicide" – Ben Mwine

Our media has so mastered the art of crafting screaming headlines that sometimes one will see one and choose to ignore it because some of those headlines eventually turn out to be mere bombast.

Such a headline gets you thinking twice until you dig up the celebrated MC’s fortnight-old vlog chat with retired radio veteran, Crystal Newman, posted on her Youtube channel at the tail-end of last month.

The immediate thoughts that spring to mind are the five Ws and the accompanying solitary H that the world considers basic steps in information gathering – Who/What/When/ Where/Why/How.

Your mind gets piqued. You want to know what could have come over your favorite celebrity at the time when he wanted the world to see the last of him.

Somebody who’s always seemed to closer to God than your wretched self has no business toying with suicidal thoughts, you imagine.

A guy who’s held a title considered by many as the pinnacle of corporate employment for the last decade or so that you’ve known him. Manager something-something, now Corporate “General” at Kwese TV.

He, surely, must be having everything under control.

How wrong! In that hour+ long interview, Ben almost bares it all. He reveals things not many men will have the courage to publicly reveal because the world will either call them selfish or brand them cowards (or something worse).

From threats to publish his photo in a newspaper because one bank loan went bad (he still asked them to let him choose which photo they could use) to that much publicised church apology among others, he says it all.

His is a story you want to read and pore more into his journey. You suddenly realize how human we all are, at the end of the day. The epiphany probably reminds you of the time when your own thoughts almost pondered a similar trajectory.

That’s the life we live. Sometimes society sees a different picture from what we really are. Sometimes happiness is not all about our lofty ambitions. “It’s all about finding happiness at your level”, he coos, towards the end of the interview.

And that’s how a man whose dream car is a Bentley Bentayga chooses to profess puppy love to a 20-year old Toyota Ipsum. Like it’s the only car he’s ever known.

Health | Menstrual Hygiene: Every Woman’s Experience

To some, she’s Auntie Flo because she comes with an associated flow. To others, she’s simply Auntie Rose because they see red whenever she shows up. Rose draws its origins from Rossa, Italian for red. We’re talking menstrual periods, many a woman’s worst nightmare.

First-time and regular episodes alike continue to present varied experiences. From mild pain to excruciating cramps, they’ve experienced it all. To some, it’s first time freaky before it transitions into something they gradually get used to. To others, its a lifetime of recurrent anguish that only ebbs at the dawn of menopause, all of 25+ years later.

The onset of one’s menstrual period is often preceded by PMS (Pre-Menstrual Syndrome), a collective term that describes the physical and psychological distress that afflicts some, right before and during their menstrual periods.

Physical symptoms may include conditions like weight gain, bloating, dizziness and mild headaches among others. Emotional symptoms, on the other hand, include conditions such as loss of concentration, insomnia, mood swings and irregular sex patterns.

How would the average female manage their menstrual hygiene, one will ask? Whereas some get the hang of the burden, many continue to struggle. From over-the-counter medication to exercise, rest and diet, among others, countless remedies have been explored. 

I spoke to a close confidant, a daughter of Eve I’ll call Jessie.

Exercise: Moderate aerobic exercises like walking or light jogging help to reduce bloating and the pain of cramping. They improve one’s blood circulation and trigger the release of endorphins, sometimes called “feel-good hormones”, largely because of their ability to ease pain or stress.

Hot baths are a form of heat therapy. They work by relaxing the uterine muscles, increasing blood flow and easing or relieving menstrual pain.

Orgasms: Having an orgasm helps to release endorphins, and these come with several benefits as already highlighted.

Enough rest, particularly in foetal position, takes pressure off the abdominal muscles which, in turn, help to relieve cramps. In this position, the skeletal muscles around the abdomen relax, lessening abdominal tension in the process.

Diet: Healthy foods and vegetables such as carrots, fruits and foods rich in zinc – such as pumpkin seeds help to relax body muscles. They reduce the production of certain glands that, in the long run, help to ease the cramping. In some experiences, she says, foods such as ginger have been found to be as effective as ibuprofen in relieving menstrual cramps.

Over-the-counter medication: Often the last resort unless advised by one’s doctor, this should be resorted to when PMS conditions appear severe.

At the onset of PMS, it’s best to deal with the obvious symptoms. Menstrual flow is heaviest during the first days of one’s cycle. At this stage, one will need the right pads to avoid potential public embarrassment and the resulting stigma.

Brands like Afripads have menstrual kits that have varying absorption rates – Maxi (light) and Super Maxi (heavy). Had troublesome periods before? Tell your tale, and let the world learn a thing or two!

Perspective | On The Brand New Lt. General Muhoozi and Workplace Promotions

That the first son is now a three-star General is no longer news, having completed his official decoration three days ago, on February 19, 2019. Technically, it paves the way for the CDF transition from one Muhoozi to another.

Army things are complicated, they say. But not even those who understand them will are willing to discuss them. We are advised to leave issues of Generals to Generals, they say. Their secrets remained as tightly guarded as those of a doomsday cult.

But that’s not the point of our speculative chitchat, today.

It’s the factors that trigger these promotions. We grew up listening to tales about the most daring of soldier tales. Names like Pangarasio Onek. Oyite Ojok. Isaac Maliyamungu. Suicide Katungi. Tadeo Kanyankore. And others.

One would imagine these to have belonged to the topmost of army echelons at their peak. So why bow out at lower ranks than their reputations suggested? It could be strategy, loyalty, tactical nous or leadership guile.

Perhaps, it’s a combination of all factors. Most of the Generals we have today have interesting sides to their stories. General Saleh was said to have been so daring that at some point, one of his alternative noms de guerre was “Rufu” (death). By the time Paul Kagame repartriated himself back to +250, he was known in his circles as “Pilato” (from Pontious Pilate).

Others had friendlier names, like Eriya Mwine (Chefe Ali). And David Tinyefuza was called Mashurubu, not because his overgrown moustache made his face look like a shrub, but because mashurubu is swahili for moustache.

Their seemingly less-decorated peers remind me of the hustle I’ve seen once too often in the corporate world. There are those techies who quickly take the leap and move on. Three years into the profession, somebody has done all those courses that give people airs of corporate gods. ITIL, CISA, PMP, Et Cetera. They are now Senior Manager, Technology something-something. I was told a story of one guy who rose to the top without having ever run an end-to-end project.

Then there are techies who find comfort in being technical foot soldiers. The blue/black screen guys. Guys who won’t take the downward graduation (yeah, that oxymoron) from playing with code to working with Excel spreadsheets and powerpoint presentations.

10 years into the profession, someone still stares at a back screen with tiny dancing white characters on a black screen in the face of an emergency. A client, bandying themselves as the face of the business, rubbernecks behind in anticipation of a quick solution.

An hour of mini cardiac arrests and sweaty troubleshooting and scratching every pore of their skin ensues. When the storm is finally over, techie breathes a heavy sigh of relief and mutters something.

“Kalas! Please test again”, asks Mr. Resident Magician.

The erstwhile restive face-of-the-business now runs a few checks before letting slip a wide grin. “But where do you guys learn this stuff from – school?”, asks a silky tone. Some get laid for this.